A Day In My Life.

Posted in literature by Yousef Alshaikh on 19/02/2010

I woke up today half an hour late for bed and immediately launched myself, toes first, into a bowl of fresh fish. Thusly I started my day with a fresh perspective and a fresher set of eyelashes. Upon seeing the twisted reflection of my watch in my eye’s inner wall, I was reminded of the severe need to exchange my cow-based cat with a newer model; one that didn’t go “BRAAAAW!!” at two o’clock in the morning.

At precisely half to twelve, I was moved by a piece of music. At precisely one, I was moved by a big and rather ugly forklift. After my encounter with the forklift and its driver – who had a slight resemblance to Brad Pit, yet was neither handsome nor human – I decided to take a bath, this was rendered utterly impossible due to a rather large zebra that seemed to be currently occupied with the sole responsibility of looking all zebra-like while sitting in my bath in a very un-zebra-like manner. After two long hours of hot debates concerning the nature of zebras, whether zebras should sit in bathtubs, the monthly zebra pheromone cycle, and whether Bush was a good president or not I promptly pulled an anti-zebra-matic out of thin air (has anyone ever seen “thick” air btw) anyways,,, where was I oh yes – I pulled out the anti-zebra-matic with much “promptulance” and in a very chilaxed manner shot the unzebra-like zebra in-between the eyes, thus rendering it, and indeed the rest of my toilet, severely dead.

Several hours later, my toilet was “reverted to a previous state” thanks to the very helpful people at Microsoft and The-People-With-No-Purpose-in-Life Foundation.

Dear reader, I sincerely sympathies with your total lack of understanding, I truly do, and shall henceforth try to speak in a clear manner. Okay, now that that’s behind us I can go on to explain to you, my now fully understanding reader, my seven hour ordeal with the microscopic cereal box.

This part of my day should be very easy to explain, indeed it started with the most simple and normal of events; at precisely 132pm, in between being harassed by a forklift and a toilet-dwelling zebra, I heard a normal and totally expected knock from within my fridge. Opening the fridge’s door I was met by a totally normal, and indeed nonchalant looking, microscopic cereal box that talked, the only thing that was not normal about this box was the fact that it was a sugar-free microscopic cereal box that talked. This oversight on my part resulted in the aforementioned seven hour ordeal of genetically introducing sugar at a sub-atomic level throughout five different interbred generations of cereal to achieve the desired level of sugar to non-sugar mass, at which point it was just around supper time and I really wasn’t in the mood for genetically engineered cereal that looked, smelled, and tasted like Kellogs Frosties, and yet for reasons beyond my simplistic understanding spoke in a slightly Scottish accent.

After this disappointing experiment I was visited by death and we danced merrily around the only IKEA couch in the house,,, actually the only couch in the house,,, actually the only piece of furniture in the house, aside from the bathtub, which was too large to dance around and was covered in bits of zebra. I bid farewell to death at around nine o’clock and left the house to fetch some groceries. On the way back home I stopped and bought a brand new used car, several midgets, and a fancy art nouveau table-cloth for a table I did not own.

Back at home, I fed the midgets to my cow-based cat, placed the table-cloth on top of an imaginary table I had placed in the corner the day before, and slept in the car.

Goodnight sweet world.


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© 2009 Yousef Alshaikh :: TheQine.


2 Responses

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  1. KwasiRa said, on 20/02/2010 at 7:29 pm

    Exactly how my day went, only not in the same order.

  2. vougish said, on 30/10/2010 at 7:28 am

    loooooooooooooooooooooooooooooool i couldn’t stop laughing reading it.. interesting brain u got there loooool

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